Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Aunt Fanny finally gets to ask David Bain some questions.

Aunty Fanny: Well David, I know that you are probably not as conversant with internet as myself so I should tell you that I have considerable savvy with internet use even though I'm barely five foot three and an old coot with farting problems. Despite not being a big internet user I'm going to ask you directly what have you heard about my considerable internet exploits? Speak clearly and slowly into my ear horn if you don't mind.

DB: Good afternoon Fanny. I am aware that since you brought a second hand computer in 2009 you've managed to get yourself, Kent Parker, Vic Purkiss, The Herald, Trade Me and Fairfax sued and that you've been 'smart enough' to do a runner on each occasion. That's pretty formidable.

Aunt Fanny: It hasn't been easy I can tell you that. Kent Parker threatened to enjoin me in the proceedings because he said it was as the result of my big mouth and not having a clue as to what I'm talking about which resulted in he and Vic getting sued. Quick as a flash I said a mad man can't be enjoined if he doesn't realise he's got a big mouth and doesn't know what the hell the he's talking about. That got him thinking. A slow process I'll admit. So I told him I was resigning as a site administrator. I promised to fully support him financially in his efforts to clear his name. He swallowed that. The truth is David that I was going to send in that $5 but my wife wouldn't let me. She even threatened to cut my cords, she's never done that before so I didn't know what to expect. What with my farting problem and didn't really want me cords cut as well. But don't try getting me off the subject David. It can't be done. Have you heard of my 'relationship' with the Minister of Justice.

DB: I haven't heard much about that except that I did read that you offered to 'peer review' Ian Binnie's report and when Ms Collins finally stopped laughing she told you ever she ever needs a bum boy's office report reviewed she'd be in contact.

Aunt Fanny: Don't believe everything you hear David.

DB: I actually read it.

Aunt Fanny: Look David, I had to say something meaningful when it came out that you'd been strip searched the day you lost you family, and that there were no injuries to your chest recorded. I really got egg on my fact over that one.

DB: Yes, there's still some stuck in your ear horn and eyebrows.

Aunt Fanny: I suppose you know that when I found out that your father had blood smears on his palms consistent with having been in contact with blood that morning that I said you put it there. I was desperate then as well. Really, all I have been able to do is misquote people and tell lies since I found out what a dick I've made of myself. I sort of hope that people don't notice that anything that I might be able to use against you I claim to be the truth and anything I can't use, to be lies.

DB: I've heard that yes.

Aunty Fanny: Well, it's sort of true that I was a bum boy in the office of a car yard. But once I got a second hand computer it was a big chance for me because people can't tell on the internet that I'm a dwarf with egg stuck in my eye brows and in my ear horn. But then I made my first mistake when I tried to explain how you dad might have shown Laniet how to do some personal things and after that nos starting saying that I was a fiddler on the roof so I complained to everybody in NZ about it, even the police. The problem was that it was in writing. I was sort of stuck so I started talking about what Denise Laney might have said, about dog shit and well ..... sex with goats. You don't think I've got a problem do you David?

DB: No, it's probably 99% of the population that has a problem but maybe not you.

Aunt Fanny: Cheers for that, happy new year.

DB: Right you are.

No comments:

Post a Comment