On a day it is revealed that 13 teenagers suicided in our North Island community of Kawerau in the last year, we also learn that David Gaynor has died after an 'accident' after an after ball in Auckland.
The following morning after Jordan Elliot of Kawerau hung himself his mother Michelle, finding him dead, screamed at his corpse the question 'why have you done this to yourself?' Of course he couldn't answer, his life was cut short in a way his mother might never understand of how her boy had gone, raw and mean for those left to wonder.
Meanwhile David is dead. Read from the news that King's College is 'reeling' after booze accusations against the school and students. But whether the booze accusations and David's death are linked is not established except for good newsprint copy while a hungry press seemingly delight in the 'fact' one of the Country's most prestigious schools has to deal with the death of a 4th pupil in 2 years for which, the blame, can be placed in accusatory headlines while a family and school friends are left dazed.
Michelle Elliot spoke about her loss and the agony of not understanding why her son had left so suddenly to death. About David, and what happened to him, we don't know except that he too is also dead, and forget for the moment that it is not news at all that a boy is lost until his family, like Michelle Elliot, has decided to do, speaks out. But David's name of course is attached to an illustrious school while the school to which Jordan attended escapes attention.
Suicide gives no answer, nor does traversing 'facts' that can never be connected but it is recognised that NZers kill themselves in great numbers and a vulnerable group are teenagers, and that alcohol or grief, or both, feelings of inadequacy, of missing friends whom one might be somehow connected with again in death, of the responsibilities of preparing to take the helm in one's own life where formerly a mother and father led with safe hands might be avoided and then they are gone.
So Michelle Elliot, tattoo showing on one breast, living in a town that the locals recognise as struggling, and the family of David wanting prosperity and happiness for their son are visited by the same horror question for which there is no answer. Why? The question for all of us to recognise those kids are just that, even when they seem suddenly arrived from another place and to walk with them so that they might always know that love is an answer, the only one when gambling chips are considered being put down.
I lost my husband to suicide.It is a horror that traverses all socio economic groups .It needs to be brought out into the open.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, many of those that lose a loved one or friend by suicide, often have feelings of guilt. Yes, suicide does traverse all parts of society and socio economic groups and unfortunately those that die most ofen don't leave any real explanations. I guess that is understandable because most often I'm sure they're not trying to hurt anyone they love but see a solution to life's problems in death horrible as that seems. What has surprised me in my limited experience is that often there are no signs, and one looks back for signs in an effort, unfortunately to often blame oneself for not having been able to do anything. There are people out there that are sometimes just holding on with a smile, then are gone.
ReplyDeleteNo,there were no signs-at the time.I have a medical background ,a degree in clinical psychology and training in mental health.I lived with the slow deterioration and never thought it would end where it did.I blamed myself.Sadly my children ( 11 and 7 ) thought they could have prevented it.
ReplyDeleteWe were lucky-we had months of counselling.It has helped us realise that what he had was as terminal as ,say,a patient with cancer.He was sick ,and just as your family cannot cause cancer,likewise it cannot cause suicide.The problem is people sympathise with cancer and judge with suicide.
We are blessed.We receievd amazing counselling,amazing support from our friends.Ten years down the line we are coping.My heart breaks for those who have had to deal with suicide.It extends way beyond the grief and into introspection and blame-none of which makes sense as the action of suicide is one of a disturbed and totally illogical mind.
As you say people do judge suicide, often by if they might have been able to do more to prevent it, or if they had missed some sign, or had been too detached. I'm not so sure about the mind of one who suicides, I think the spectrum ranges from totally logicial to illogicial which probably makes a definition of suicide, or those who suicide, impossible to define in one character.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had the help available to you, and although 10 years have passed, you might agree that some questions are not yet answered.
When I thought to blog on this subject, I thought particularly of the Minister from Kings College revealing that ashes of two other past pupils have been interred the same Saturday on which David Gaynor died, I wondered the connections one boy might make on a drunken and exciting night on which the ashes of dead friends were put away.
I admit thinking of that, and the way youth bears an intensity for life that could link the thought that the living and those dead might meet again in a more perfect place, unlike those more weary of life who might see suicide as a way to rest.
As you said earlier, better for suicide to be spoken about, and better as well to more often hold the hands of those that we are near.
Thanks for your correspodence. I wish you well.