Dear Lindsay,
You're lab tests results have just arrived on my desk. Unfortunately, I have to somewhat dampen your aspirations to tour with Stockdale's circus as 'The man with a Tail' because the technicians have confirmed that you haven't grown a tail at all, in fact you've got a live mackerel head first up your bottom, and that's probably why you couldn't co-ordinate your tail flaps with the beat of your music when you were singing 'Only the Lonely' to the receptionist.
Perhaps goofledork might take you into the troupe anyway as a very ugly mermaid. That could be fun.
Yours faithfully
Doctor Goodnewsguy.
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